This is just a short one, but it's a big deal for me, and I wanted to share this. I don't know if I've got the exact date right, but I do know that it's close enough.
Today marks a year from the day I started recovery. It has been a year since I really started trying to fight my self-harm addiction. And that, to me, seems incredible.
When I look back to the dark place I was in a year and a half ago, I find it difficult to believe that I am here today. At that time, I was severely depressed, I was suicidal, I was self-harming every day, I went through episodes where I wouldn't eat and didn't care who knew what I was doing to my body. The first time I realised just how serious this was was terrifying. I'll spare you the details, but basically I was on a school trip in France and there were cliffs and I was thinking how jumping to my death may not be such a bad idea. I was barely 14.
Now I'm nearly 16 years old. Not fully recovered- it's an uphill battle, but it looks like I'm winning. I still get depressed from time to time, but I haven't caused my body any intentional harm for 6 months almost. That may not seem a big deal to some, but to me, it's a sign of how I managed to fight my demons and beat this mental illness, alone, for the most part.
I couldn't have done it without the support of my beautiful and perfect friends, even if they never knew about the darkness that threatened to consume me. They were there and they still are, and I will be forever grateful to them.
Saturday, 22 February 2014
It Needs To Be Said
Wow, look at me, two posts in one day and one is directly after the other... What can I say? I've been inspired. :)
I shall preface this by saying that a good friend of mine recently came out. I love her and I'm proud of her and all of those sentimental clichés that people say when someone they know comes out (and I do love her and I am proud of her, but they are overused.) But it got me thinking about love, and relationships and sexuality. I am a wholehearted supporter of LGBTQ rights and marriage equality, I have always been.
I have two uncles who are gay, so as a child, I was always brought up being aware that the 'traditional' idea of a relationship between a man and a woman being the only sort to exist was not true at all. I thank my mother for bringing me up and teaching me to be accepting and open. I was pretty outraged when I learned that some parents don't want their children to know that some people are gay. To me, that's on the same level as forbidding children to watch the news. Not letting your children watch the news is ridiculous - you want to protect then from things like death and crime that appear on our TV screens all too frequently, but what you're really doing in bringing them up in a perfect fantasy world. They will be exposed to bad things sooner or later, inevitably, so why not just let them know about it from a young age? I always watched the news in the morning when I was young, and I'm in no way violent now, at the age of fifteen.
I
Bringing your child up unaware of different sexualities is the same thing. Ignorance breeds fear breeds hate, and if there's one thing we don't need more of in this world, it's hate. Opposing same-sex marriage is one thing; pretending it doesn't exist is another matter entirely. The former I will accept, even if I totally disagree. The latter will enrage me. Because the truth is, like war and abortion and famine, homosexuality is very real. (War and famine are not the best examples, as they're pretty much considered universal evils, but I couldn't think of anything else)
We are living in a society where being LGBTQ is becoming less controversial and more and more accepted. I strongly believe that we could be the generation that will change things. I'm convinced that the vast majority of people despise racism, which was common until fairly recently. If our attitude towards racial minorities and interracial relationships changed so quickly, what do you think will happen to our views on LGBTQ?
And a final question: We despise racism, and look back on white supremacy as a horrific belief held by ignorant people. In twenty years, how will we look back on homophobia?
I shall preface this by saying that a good friend of mine recently came out. I love her and I'm proud of her and all of those sentimental clichés that people say when someone they know comes out (and I do love her and I am proud of her, but they are overused.) But it got me thinking about love, and relationships and sexuality. I am a wholehearted supporter of LGBTQ rights and marriage equality, I have always been.
I have two uncles who are gay, so as a child, I was always brought up being aware that the 'traditional' idea of a relationship between a man and a woman being the only sort to exist was not true at all. I thank my mother for bringing me up and teaching me to be accepting and open. I was pretty outraged when I learned that some parents don't want their children to know that some people are gay. To me, that's on the same level as forbidding children to watch the news. Not letting your children watch the news is ridiculous - you want to protect then from things like death and crime that appear on our TV screens all too frequently, but what you're really doing in bringing them up in a perfect fantasy world. They will be exposed to bad things sooner or later, inevitably, so why not just let them know about it from a young age? I always watched the news in the morning when I was young, and I'm in no way violent now, at the age of fifteen.
I
Bringing your child up unaware of different sexualities is the same thing. Ignorance breeds fear breeds hate, and if there's one thing we don't need more of in this world, it's hate. Opposing same-sex marriage is one thing; pretending it doesn't exist is another matter entirely. The former I will accept, even if I totally disagree. The latter will enrage me. Because the truth is, like war and abortion and famine, homosexuality is very real. (War and famine are not the best examples, as they're pretty much considered universal evils, but I couldn't think of anything else)
We are living in a society where being LGBTQ is becoming less controversial and more and more accepted. I strongly believe that we could be the generation that will change things. I'm convinced that the vast majority of people despise racism, which was common until fairly recently. If our attitude towards racial minorities and interracial relationships changed so quickly, what do you think will happen to our views on LGBTQ?
And a final question: We despise racism, and look back on white supremacy as a horrific belief held by ignorant people. In twenty years, how will we look back on homophobia?
Jumping On The Bandwagon (A Review)
So today I'm going to be one of those bloggers that talks about hair accessories.
I recently jumped on the bandwagon and bought one of those hair doughnut things, after seeing how fantastic they look on other people. The one I bought was £4 from Matalan, and truth be told, I wasn't expecting great things. I'm not really an 'appearance person' except on special occasions, my hair and makeup skills are mediocre at best, and despite owning many, many nail varnishes, I still haven't mastered painting my right hand.
I was pleasantly surprised, then, when the hair doughnut was not only remarkably easy to use, but also looked kind of cute. I have the unfortunate habit of hiding behind my hair when I get shy or anxious, and I'm trying to avoid doing it. Before, I put my hair in a ponytail or a plait, but now I think I'll be sticking with the doughnut. It's incredibly versatile; you could make the bun really messy, or it could look very beautiful and elegant. I prefer to go somewhere in the middle. As a theatre kid and dancer, it is so practical and also super easy to do. Even I managed to figure it out and make a decent-looking bun on the first try. So if you haven't bought one (but let's be honest, you probably have) then I wholeheartedly reccomend it.
I recently jumped on the bandwagon and bought one of those hair doughnut things, after seeing how fantastic they look on other people. The one I bought was £4 from Matalan, and truth be told, I wasn't expecting great things. I'm not really an 'appearance person' except on special occasions, my hair and makeup skills are mediocre at best, and despite owning many, many nail varnishes, I still haven't mastered painting my right hand.
I was pleasantly surprised, then, when the hair doughnut was not only remarkably easy to use, but also looked kind of cute. I have the unfortunate habit of hiding behind my hair when I get shy or anxious, and I'm trying to avoid doing it. Before, I put my hair in a ponytail or a plait, but now I think I'll be sticking with the doughnut. It's incredibly versatile; you could make the bun really messy, or it could look very beautiful and elegant. I prefer to go somewhere in the middle. As a theatre kid and dancer, it is so practical and also super easy to do. Even I managed to figure it out and make a decent-looking bun on the first try. So if you haven't bought one (but let's be honest, you probably have) then I wholeheartedly reccomend it.
Saturday, 25 January 2014
Growing Up
I am growing up. That is scary. I'm currently 15, almost 16 years old. In a year, I'll have done my GCSEs, and I'll be (hopefully) in sixth form. I have to make so many decisions right now - what subjects do I want to take? (French, Italian, Psychology and History) What do I want to do after sixth form? (A degree in French and Italian, including a year abroad) And which sixth form do I want to attend? (...)
The problem here is that I have a huge internal conflict. Part of me wants to stay at the same school I've been at since I was eleven, where I know the teachers and students and I can find my way around. That side is competing with the more rational part of me, which wants to move to a different school in the area that specialises in languages. Given my ambitions, that would be the logical choice. But for some reason I just can't picture myself there. I've visited the school and it's lovely, but it's all very open, unlike my school which is relatively closed off. My family wants me to move schools, and on some level I do too, but I have friends here and I don't know if I can leave them after everything I've been through to form actual friendships.
Growing up is hard to do.
The problem here is that I have a huge internal conflict. Part of me wants to stay at the same school I've been at since I was eleven, where I know the teachers and students and I can find my way around. That side is competing with the more rational part of me, which wants to move to a different school in the area that specialises in languages. Given my ambitions, that would be the logical choice. But for some reason I just can't picture myself there. I've visited the school and it's lovely, but it's all very open, unlike my school which is relatively closed off. My family wants me to move schools, and on some level I do too, but I have friends here and I don't know if I can leave them after everything I've been through to form actual friendships.
Growing up is hard to do.
Monday, 20 January 2014
A Brief History
My theatre story isn't like many other people's- I never did anything like this before, save for the weekly ballet class that I persevered with from the ages of 3 to 13, which I decidedly hated. I had a friend who was into the whole musical theatre thing; it was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but honestly my family just didn't have the money. I was 12 when my mum relented and I started this obsession. It's only been three years, but it feels like longer. I've made so many great friends and I owe them so much for welcoming me and being awesome. :)
I was talking to my friend Maya the other day about how performing arts is like my therapy - I've been through counselling for anxiety, I've had major friendship issues, I struggled with depression and self-harm, but the theatre is where I really forget all of that. Even during the really bad times, when I was 14 and had forgotten what it meant to be happy, when I was convinced that I wouldn't let myself live to see my 16th birthday, my GCSE results, my prom, my A Levels... I always felt content in the theatre. Even during a tedious dress rehearsal where everything is going wrong and you're all freaking out, I was at peace with myself.
Many people struggle to understand why my theatre group is so important to me and why I devote so much of my life to the performing arts. I hope this can help explain some of that.
NOTE: if you're struggling with any of the stuff I mentioned, know that you're not alone. I try to be very open about my past because I don't want anyone else to feel like I did. I'm by no means a qualified psychologist, but if you need to talk. I will be here and I will listen. Stay strong.
I was talking to my friend Maya the other day about how performing arts is like my therapy - I've been through counselling for anxiety, I've had major friendship issues, I struggled with depression and self-harm, but the theatre is where I really forget all of that. Even during the really bad times, when I was 14 and had forgotten what it meant to be happy, when I was convinced that I wouldn't let myself live to see my 16th birthday, my GCSE results, my prom, my A Levels... I always felt content in the theatre. Even during a tedious dress rehearsal where everything is going wrong and you're all freaking out, I was at peace with myself.
Many people struggle to understand why my theatre group is so important to me and why I devote so much of my life to the performing arts. I hope this can help explain some of that.
NOTE: if you're struggling with any of the stuff I mentioned, know that you're not alone. I try to be very open about my past because I don't want anyone else to feel like I did. I'm by no means a qualified psychologist, but if you need to talk. I will be here and I will listen. Stay strong.
Friday, 22 November 2013
Hello!
Hi!
I'm Sophie, I'm 15 and from the UK, and this is my first attempt at writing a blog that hopefully I'll actually stick with! I'm a self-confessed theatre geek, I love musicals (it's my life's dream to be in a professional musical) and I spend 5 hours a week and entirely too much money doing what I love. I also love books, I'm a big fan of Young Adult fiction - John Green is my favourite author. I've tried to battle my way through The Complete Works of Jane Austen, but I got fed up halfway through Emma, and gave up.
As well as books and theatre, I like to write, which is that main reason for me starting this blog. I think it's so important for young people to have their voices heard, because we are the future, as cheesy as that sounds. Hopefully this blog will provide a platform for me to discuss the trials and tribulations that a 15 year old girl faces on a day-to-day basis, and provide some insight on teenagers' views of critical issues. (Of course, it won't all be topical discussion, or sugary 'Dear Diary' type thing. I am a theatre kid, after all, so there's likely to be a lot of musical talk. Maybe some poetry. I'm just planning on going wherever this blog takes me.
Anyway, this year promises to be exciting, stressful and potentially life-changing; it's GCSE year. Add revision for 11 subjects onto 5 hours weekly of theatre, plus 3 hours of volunteering a week, and that's a lot of pressure. Hopefully I'll turn out to be the sort of person who works really well under pressure (somehow I doubt that). Anyway, this will definitely be one of the most interesting years of my life so far, so I hope you join me!
I'm Sophie, I'm 15 and from the UK, and this is my first attempt at writing a blog that hopefully I'll actually stick with! I'm a self-confessed theatre geek, I love musicals (it's my life's dream to be in a professional musical) and I spend 5 hours a week and entirely too much money doing what I love. I also love books, I'm a big fan of Young Adult fiction - John Green is my favourite author. I've tried to battle my way through The Complete Works of Jane Austen, but I got fed up halfway through Emma, and gave up.
As well as books and theatre, I like to write, which is that main reason for me starting this blog. I think it's so important for young people to have their voices heard, because we are the future, as cheesy as that sounds. Hopefully this blog will provide a platform for me to discuss the trials and tribulations that a 15 year old girl faces on a day-to-day basis, and provide some insight on teenagers' views of critical issues. (Of course, it won't all be topical discussion, or sugary 'Dear Diary' type thing. I am a theatre kid, after all, so there's likely to be a lot of musical talk. Maybe some poetry. I'm just planning on going wherever this blog takes me.
Anyway, this year promises to be exciting, stressful and potentially life-changing; it's GCSE year. Add revision for 11 subjects onto 5 hours weekly of theatre, plus 3 hours of volunteering a week, and that's a lot of pressure. Hopefully I'll turn out to be the sort of person who works really well under pressure (somehow I doubt that). Anyway, this will definitely be one of the most interesting years of my life so far, so I hope you join me!
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